Dear Self

Dear Self,

Please stop hurting yourself. Please love yourself enough to let go. Please stop loving the person who doesn’t love you back. You will only hurt yourself – again and again.

I’m sorry. I know we’ve had a rocky, f*cked up relationship.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I ended a perfectly healthy and happy relationship. It would have been your chance to be happy but I let him go.

I’m sorry I put you through hell. But most importantly, I’m sorry I questioned you.

I know you were just caring and trying to protect you. I know you were worried about him. At the time I didn’t think that would ever happen. But I guess I was wrong.

I got scared of what the future may bring for you, and for that I’m sorry.

The truth is it hurt me too. It hurt to see you standing there, seeing your heart break into a million little pieces. It hurt to see the years of laughter and joy come to end. But I think the thing that hurt me the most was the reality that I needed to work on me.

I hope you find someone better because you deserve it. I hope you find somebody who shares your quirky personality, someone who is there to pick you up when you’re down, somebody who gives you their undivided attention. I hope you find happiness and love.

I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me even though I don’t deserve it.

Because life isn’t always perfect and peachy—but I’m ready to be there for you through the exciting ups and despairing downs and mediocre middles.

I promise.

I will be there when you’re crying in loud sobs, heartbroken over harsh, stinging words.

I will be there when you’re happy, a silly smile stamped across your beaming face.

I will be there when you succeed.

I will be there when you fail.

I will be there when you’re lonely and feel like you haven’t got a friend anywhere.

I will be there when you’re panicked, scared and lost, curled up in a little ball on the bathroom floor.

I will be there, without question, without judgement, without blame.

Self, I am learning to love you with reckless compassion.

So I seal this note with a tender kiss and a pinch of magic.

I promise to be there for you.

I promise to love you, Self… today and forevermore… 

 

Change…

Change – why do we dread of it? We are afraid of Change because we think that, after so much effort and sacrifice, we know our present world. And even though that world might not be the best of all worlds, and even though we may not be entirely satisfied with it, at least it wont give us any nasty surprises. We won’t go wrong. We can’t go wrong.

But change is inevitable! Even that made of nature – change. Mountains. Those who think that the mountains dont change are wrong. Mountains are born out of earthquakes, are eroded by wind and rain, and each day are slightly different even though we do not notice.

Once we accept change, fear gradually ebbs away, because it wasn’t given what it felt was its due importance.

Venture into adventure and the unknown and accept change!

Those who believe that adventures are dangerous, I say, try routine; that kills you far more quickly!

Goodbye My Love

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. But to me it seems like I master the art of letting go. Sad but true. I just can’t hold or keep things together…

Good bye. Two conflicting words – entwined to give one meaning. It is commonly use to express an acknowledgment of parting, with a soft wave of a hand. A contradiction of God be with you – until we meet again.

But what if Good bye is Goodbye?

Goodbyes are always in the air for me. I have encountered many types of goodbyes. Sometimes it is a friend changing jobs and leaving years of connections behind. Or I’m struggling with the death of my mother. Or I’m ending a relationship with a friend. But the most painful of them all is parting with a loved-one.

Parting ways has never been easy for me.

But from the sublime to the mundane, the simple to the complicated, farewells are an inevitable part of life. They can be incredibly painful—but they don’t have to be devastating.

I still blame myself to date of not spending enough time with my mother. And of not doing my best. And of not giving her the gifts I wanted to give her because I was so busy. Little did I know that she would leave me too soon.. just a little too soon…

In 2013 I know Khaled and I have reached the Rubicon of no return. It was inevitable. But we both knew that the longer we stayed – the harder it will become to leave. And thus eventually would leave us hurting ourselves. I still wonder “What if?” Because I didn’t give us a chance. I took the decision upon myself.

Many of us are short on these tools for soothing ourselves in the face of painful experiences. In order to cope with goodbyes big and small, we need ways to make ourselves feel better.

Listening to music, taking a walk, watching a movie, talking to a friend, writing about your feelings—all of these are small but important techniques for soothing painful feelings.

And sometimes everything you’ve packed into your own personal suitcase has to be pulled out and used, if only briefly, to manage your feelings as you say goodbye.

Goodbye. I hope you will be easy this time… because I think I have given it all.

I love you… Goodbye… My Love…

Happy Early 36th to me ;)

There was a time when I was in pigtails that birthdays were all about gifts, yummy foods and blowing candles 🙂 Then came celebrating my birthday with complete strangers – roughly 25+ of them, and in Kuwait! I was new to Kuwait then and I wanted to celebrate.

There were some quiet birthdays, and a few spent with close friends. And there were some birthdays where I celebrate alone.

I like birthdays. I enjoy the celebrations. I like gifts. I love reading birthday cards.

But this year I am not so enthused about my 36th birthday!

Here is why?

Because everyone thinks I am old… and I have… as in… I have to be married… and have kids… so that… so that… when I grow older… (as if I’m not old already)… my babies will rock my chair!

I want to get married and have babies. And men  know. I don’t even have to tell men that I want these things in life. My age is a tell. They ask me how old I am and grow pale. “I’m not in a rush!” I reassure. “It will happen when it happens!” I coerce. And they run. Dammit. They called my bluff. It will only get worse when I turn 36!!!

I also defended my empty uterus daily. Every time a family member or a friend and even a colleague or a prospect asked, “Do you have kids” I had to look away from their sad eyes and judgement. My ovaries are still weeping.

So this year in all seriousness, is going to be a torture for me 😦 but thank you God for keeping me alive!

So, here’s to 36 – a year where I will continue living, breathing and loving and hopefully not killing anyone who will dare to ask these stupid questions. Happy early birthday to me!!!

How do you feel about birthdays?

What Screams From Within Never Dies

Do yo think I am stupid? Because I am not. Do you think I am weak? Because I am not. Do you think I am crazy? Because  I am not. Do you think me unstable? Do you believe me to be selfish, or judgmental or fake? Do you even know my life or care to ask?

Do you walk in my shoes, yet you still to claim to know who and what I am, how I feel and what I want? And to you it is stupid, to you it is false. But to me it is my life, my reality, my heart.

I know about my feelings. My sins, and my lust. I know my mistakes, and all of my faults. I see the lies and I feel the disrespect. Just because I express it without fear doesn’t mean I am crazy, nor stupid or unstable. It simply means I am real,  and in touch with myself. Excepting my fate, and still refusing to surrender. Refusing to lay down and take what other take. I will not accept mediocrity. I will not accept excuses. I will call you out. I will let you know. I am realist of all and I truly don’t care. I do not fear death so why should I fear anything else? Why worry with the stupidity of this world? Why give in my energy? Why try so hard, for others who don’t? Why care about those who care not about themselves? I am just me like it or not. Forget what you say. Forget what you think. Forget all the world, with its horrible ways, it weakness of acceptance for things unforgivable. Forget the world’s weakness, wont anyone stand up, wont anyone care. I go outside the breath the fresh air, and even that is no longer pure. Tell me where there is purity, realness and truth. Tell me where the people that are real are. Tell me their name. I know that you can’t, because they are fairy-tale.

We love that we construct in our minds. We love the truth we create. But when you feel deep into this, and the light fades away, you see that I see that it is all unreal. It is all fake. This world in unforgiving.

What is your purpose? What is your reality? Is it your fantasy or a dream? Denial or stupidity. Either way I have no tolerance.

Forget the disrespect. Forget the pain. Forget the judgments. Forget it all. I am what I am and I believe in better things.

Now that I have been removed, from all the illusion of this world you like to call me crazy or insane or unstable? But I promise in my life, of all that I have, I am 100% on point. So hell with the haters that I have. Let them hate. Because they are so lost. That it is all they know how to do. Go ahead, call me crazy, it is okay, because I love it.

I love knowing that I am real, and sleep well at night, and still pray for the ones who cant seem to see the light.  Too blind by their feelings. Or their fantasy world.

Welcome to reality. Life is not easy. So hold on to the good, and let go of all the bad. Keep yourself whole. Keep yourself strong. Believe what you want. Do what you want, and never mind what others say. Failure is not an option no matter what they say.

Seek for your happiness. Believe you can achieve them!

Because what screams from within – never dies…

 

Perhaps, Perhaps – Love is just ain’t enough!

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know but have to learn. And people we cant live without have to let go.

While letting go of the person we loved the most is hard, nothing is quite harder than holding on to something that doesn’t want to stay. Holding on is bravery but at the same time selfishness. How can we hold on to somebody if they want to leave. How selfish are we to stop them from finding their own happiness. How can you fight for something that does not want to have you in their life?

Is your love enough?

Perhaps Love is just ain’t enough!

A Reason, Season or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. Does this sound familiar to you?

It may be, at some point in our lives.

I truly believe that everyone we meet, we meet for a reason. We have encountered this specific person for a purpose. We have friends who remain, friends who come in our lives but soon depart and friends who just pass by our daily lives. Even if it is just running into a colleague at a mall, there is a reason sprinkled in our path that we may not even see at this moment in time.

There’s a quote that goes something like, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” which really resonates with my life. Maybe the simple reason of your colleague encounter is the daily smile you both share that starts your morning off right. Each action has a direct impact.

Instead of dwelling on the pain of saying goodbye to a love-one, look at it as a chapter that was filled with many memories and now lessons that will forever live with you. Sometimes we are welcomed by relationships that aren’t meant to last forever, but are meant to teach us and help us grow on our beautiful journeys.

On the contrary, sometimes we have to learn when to let go and continue on our journey. It takes courage to stand up and realize that sometimes you need to move forward. This doesn’t mean things have to end nasty, it just means that you are mature enough to see that these people may be holding you back in a way that at this moment in your life is not what you want.

‘Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on out hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” ~ Flavia Weedn

Life is mysterious and relationships are just another addition to our journey. Through the ups and the downs we must appreciate it, for it’s all a part of who we are today. Not one of us goes through life experiencing perfect relationships; in fact, the only way to uncover life’s treasures is to experience them.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank You 2016

25 days from now a brand new year 2017 will be on our doors, but before it comes let me say “Thank you all for making my 2016 an awesome year!”

To my family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances – Thank you!

  • for being a part of my roller coaster ride
  • for listening to my endless rants and dramas!
  • for staying with me on my sleepless nights
  • for giving me sweet treats when period comes
  • for the coffee treats
  • for the loud laughs
  • for the sarcasm
  • for your time
  • for the tangible gifts
  • for your warm and loving hearts

I’d look forward for 2017 with you!

and to the people who left me, thank you for vacating a space in my heart! Thank you for letting me know my worth and that I deserved better.

and to the friends I lost, thank you for staying for a while. I have no regrets. I have learned a great deal from you.

My 2016 has been great, full of life, enjoyable – regardless of the struggles.

I look forward to a fantastic 2017 with new friends, new acquaintances, along with the old ones who stayed and who keep me sane!

2017, Bring it on!

New Year’s Resolution

Have you made your New Year’s resolution yet? or have you resolved never to make a New Year’s resolution?

I, for one, have never made a New Year’s resolution ever in my life! Sounds unbelievable, right? I am not pessimistic but I am a bit skeptical on this. Why wait for a new year to change. Why not do it now? Why not be present in the now? Why not enjoy NOW?

I have always been committed in the NOW and not TOMORROW or in the FUTURE.

Why wait for your thoughts to come out from the other person’s mouth if you can do it NOW. Why wait for few months to break up with someone if you can do it NOW. Why prolonged the pain…

I have always told my friends “If my finger is going to cause me pain on a daily basis – I wouldn’t hesitate cutting it”.

Today was unpleasant nevertheless I’d like to be optimistic about tomorrow and be positive. I know for one that every time I emerged from an experience – whether good or bad – I always take away something good from it.

So today I come up with the below as my New Year’s Resolutions:

  1. I will do everything to make ME happy always…
  2. I will love ME first before others…
  3. I will be PRESENT and live my LIFE TODAY…

 

Breakfast at the Oryx

Oryx

Fate brings us together and it also brings us apart. The greatest mystery to me is why people come and go in our lives. Some people stay for a while and some just passed by. Some people bring love and happiness while others bring sadness and deceit.

But just like we have no control on who we meet in our lifetime, we also have no control on what others may bring to our lives. We only have control on what we bring.

But then of course everything happens for a reason. It was always meant to be. And that is what destiny is…

During one of my 1-week stay at the Oryx, particularly Thursday morning, I met a young man whom I borrowed the salt and pepper condenser from during breakfast. I normally would have breakfast with a female friend whom I met during my second day stay but on Thursday morning I decided to go down late and alone. I felt awful, having suffered from a cold and flu for the past 3 days, that I went down on my pink T-shirt that I normally would wear only inside the house and a comfortable trouser. To top my unusual look I wore a pair of slippers!

As I walked to the elevator I felt a sudden tingling sensation. Thinking that it might be the effect of the medicines and hunger I hurried myself to the elevator. I was greeted with a smile by some few business people – afraid that I might pull out a dry cough in front of them I smiled back and lowered my head down. A jolt of excitement in my being has got me thinking that I am going to meet someone special on this day!

I got myself a small plate of fruits, a pancake and ordered an egg omelette. While waiting for my egg omelette to be done, I started munching on what I have on plate when I noticed a guy looking at me. I continued eating. Suddenly I felt that someone is looking at me. So I looked up and noticed the same guy staring at me from a distance. Still feeling groggy from the doze of medicines I took – to help me with the coughing and cold – I paid no attention on the table I sat on. Perhaps a random curious stranger, I reckoned.

Then I was awoken by a “Good morning Ma’am, your egg omelette“. I bid thanks and started chowing my egg omelette when I noticed that it has no salt and pepper! I looked around the tables infront of me but found nothing. Then I tilted my head to the side and Voila! I politely asked the gentleman sitting beside my table “Excuse me, Hi! Can I borrow your salt and pepper?” He gestured, yes sure!”.  

A minute later he said “Can I borrow your ashtray – exchange”, and then he smiled with his tantalizing eyes. Moments later we found ourselves talking about our trip, got to know each others name and shared a table…After a 30mins chat – he invited me for a dinner. Having arranged 2 dinners with colleagues from Kuwait and Qatar that day I regrettably declined the invitation and offered an alternative for a breakfast the following day. Unfortunately he is traveling early morning hence he can’t make it.

When I was left alone in my table I recollected  of what just happened 30mins ago and was stunned by my actions. I couldn’t believe myself – inviting a guy to my table and started a conversation – was a very big thing to me! I am an AMBIVERT!

While I was at the dinner with my colleague and some of the delegations from Kuwait I was still thinking of that fine young man I met during breakfast. At 10pm I closed the conversation with them and still battling whether I should go to a dinner with the guy I met during breakfast or with my colleague in Qatar.

I decided to go with my Qatar colleague as I have been invited a thousand times already! and that night was the last night of the trip. My colleague brought me to a Lebanese restaurant with a live music at the Marriott Hotel. I was struck with awe of what was unfolded in front of me. The restaurant was filled with finer things; from the decorations on the wall to the things served on the table. The food were scrumptious.